why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
