I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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