when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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