Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
