be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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