...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
