walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
