I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
