we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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