my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
