Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
