Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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