I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize