oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
