this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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