Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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