So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
