you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
