I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
