we have officially lost it.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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