I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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