I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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