i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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