I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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