Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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