i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
