I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
