I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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