So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
