You're so nebulous sometimes
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
