I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
