Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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