Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
