I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
