your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
