I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
