I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
