I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
