I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
they're like a gay fantastic four
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
