I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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