you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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