i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We had sex on a dog bed..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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