Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
