I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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