Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
