just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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