He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
