Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
