just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
