I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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