my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
