Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
