I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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