she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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