captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
